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Stuck In A Rut

Friday, May 15, 2009

Truth be told I feel like I’m stuck in a rut.  By stuck I mean the tires are spinning and the rut is becoming a hole that keeps getting deeper.  Ever experience that moment?  Unless you have I’m not sure you would understand, at least most people that I know that I try to explain how I’m feeling don’t get it and especially don’t get that I can’t just go to bed and wake up feeling better in the morning.

I guess medically my “rut” may be considered depression.  If I went to my physician to lay it all out on the table I’d be willing to bed some green that I’d leave with a prescription, but I don’t like to travel that road.  I like holding onto the belief that I can fix this.

Maybe it’s not depression at all maybe it’s just life.  In case you haven’t read it before my husband travels a lot and when I say a lot I mean that since the beginning of the year seeing him 4 days in a month is an accomplishment.  I’m a stay at home parent and the people I associate with either work or have their own priorities.  Once I tried to join a mommy/child playgroup but my schedule didn’t meet their standard.  Now that my little bug is in school I spend A LOT of time alone.  Time that gets less and less productive.  Right now even simple tasks are of no interest to me, things that I may often find fun have no merit.  I’m starting to feel un-interesting, un-desireable, boring and a prime example of the “nobody”.

This is certainly not how I want my life to be.  I know life isn’t some big fairy-tale but a little happy go lucky here and there isn’t too much to ask for, right?  I want to be vibrant, energetic, spunky, happy, full of life…I want to be the up not the down.  I don’t want to be the person that everyone dreads being around or talking too.  But at what point does the tow truck show up and give me a tug so to speak.

I believe with my whole heart that in faith I need to give this to God, I need to pray to God and ask for his help and his guidance.  With God all things are possible, he can lead me to where I need to be and the decisions I need to make.  But while I believe that I also believe that I can lay in bed or sit in staring into my computer waiting for it to happen.  I have to be pro-active.  I have to seek and grow into the person I need to be.  I say that because I think some of my downs are associated with other people and I can’t expect them to change for me.  I can only change myself and hope that the strides I make are inspiring.  In order to be inspiring I need to make those strides and that is where I’m having problems.  I need that one foot in front of the other mentality and I’m kind feeling like a foot fell off and I’m desperately seeking to have it sewn back on.  Any of this making sense?

“You’re never a failure, if you keep getting back up.”-I heard Valerie Bertinelli say that on GMA.  Not such a bad thought is it?

Change-to transform or to convert.  Why is that so much easier said then done.  I mentioned in another post about a completely different topic that talking about it and doing it are two different things.  That I think is something I am having such a hard time with right now.  I can think about it, I have ideas of where I’d like to start and some things that I’d like to do along the way, but getting started is so hard for me.  Why is it so hard?  At what point does wanting and talking become doing and receiving.

I believe in most cases change can’t be made over night.  I believe it’s a process and judging by the 685 word count I could talk and talk and talk about the process but again at what point do I start doing it and not just talking about it.

I thought about making a list of things I’d like to change or do or say or accomplish or feel but I really don’t think that is going to get me anywhere, maybe tomorrow I’ll feel differently, but hopefully maybe in the near future I can start posting about changes I’ve made instead of RUTS I’ve dug and got stuck in.

Any feed back is certainly welcome…be nice I’m fragile lol.  The more inspiring the better, you never know what will trigger that AH HA moment.

In closing how bout some inspiration?

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. – Proverbs 3:5-6

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  – Isaiah 41:10

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. – Isaiah 40:31

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Friday, May 15, 2009 8:07 pm

    Hugs, Am. I’ve been there. My “kick in the pants” is a dh that’s around a lot and doesn’t let me get away with anything!

    I think you are right. A list isn’t going to work for you right now, partly because you have that list going already – in your head, in your 101 things in 1001 days.

    Can you volunteer somewhere? seniors’ home? food bank? church group? Somewhere that needs help during the day while Little Bug is at school.

    Can you start your own mom’s group for others that don’t fit the schedule of the one that’s there?

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. I can’t imagine what I’d do with my time, if I ever were home alone. I mean, the kids were in bed, except for Baby R. She was fussy. DH was gone. And I got really really impatient for him to get home because I was bored! The tv was boring. The computer was boring. My book was boring. Baby R was boring (because she was tired and fussy). I didn’t wanna do / couldn’t do housework. I waited for an hour just bouncing the baby for him to come home. I couldn’t believe how bored I was. It was only an hour!

    Now, if I put all my kids in school, and didn’t have a baby, what would I do? Seniors. Library. Part time job. Church. Baking to sell. Scrapbooking to sell. Take on sewing jobs for others. Meals on Wheels. Read. Go back to school part time.

    Just some ideas. You’ll get there, girl!

  2. polkaspotfarm permalink
    Saturday, May 16, 2009 1:52 pm

    Ok I”m gonna give you a swift kick in the you know what! Get ur franny up and dance! You are an amazing woman! I wish we were closer and we’d get out and do all kinds of things together. If I could just talk you into moving down here with me. Maybe instead of being on the computer, we should talk via phone and actually do something while on the phone. Accountability partner? I know I cave too and I am one of your biggest enablers. Ok, I’m stopping that, cause really I need a swift kick too! Glad that you’ve been out and about the last two days. Now for when you are home, we’re getting things done. So get your you know what in gear and lets do this!

    Love you so much!


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